Saturday will be the first anniversary of my 39th Birthday...
Yeah... it's *THAT* birthday...
the one when you're 13 and you go OMG THAT'S LIKE TOTALLY OLD!
Mentally I'm still the same fun loving person I was at 18
Physically I'm TWICE my age with the myriad of disabilities I unfortunately have to deal with. (Hey but I am still HERE for this birthday which is saying a lot! There have been many days I and my family never thought I'd ever make it to this milestone.)
But it's still a bit of a downer. One of the things I really wanted to be by now (Above everything else) was to be a Mom. Not going to happen unless I adopt and that I don;t foresee happening either. so it's a bit (a lot) depressing. Most of the people my age have kids in High School and college and I never got started. (My body just could never handle it, I am as they used to call Barren.)
Saturday is kinda like rubbing my face in it (at least it feels that way.)
So I'm a bit depressed.
Glad I actually lived to see this day, but sad that this day came and I'm still not what I want to be most... a mom.
It's hard to describe the myriad of emotions I fight when I read headlines like Teenager dumps fetus in dumpster.... OCTO MOM now has 15 kids and is on welfare! When ONE... just ONE is what I crave. What I wouldn't GIVE to have that baby the teenager doesn't want.
I'd like to think I would have been an awesome Mom.
I am the Coolest Aunt however. I do thankfully have a lot of cousins who have lots of children and I adore every ONE of my "nieces and nephews" (Technically 2nd cousins, but my Cousins WERE my siblings growing up. I have such a wonderful close family).
This is a strange depressing post, I know I don't usually post a lot of my personal life so to speak. I'm usually not a depressing person, I blame the birthday looming on Saturday.
(And all my medications right now which are making me sort of drunk and high at the moment. I don't sleep well, I'm exhausted and am on some pretty spectacularly heavy duty drugs. Which does not help fighting the "OMFG I'm gonna be freaking 40 in two days" Blues.
I need copious amounts of SUFIN Sap I think to counteract the Blues.
So if you're inclined to give birthday wishes... I wish for SUFIN SAP in large doses.