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Funny from Daddy

LOL! And Yes, I *DO* live in the San Joaquin Valley... Originally From Chicago....

this is so TRUE:

May 15th: (Prime Season here... it's last maybe 2 weeks....)
Just moved to San Joaquin Valley in California! Now this is a state that knows how to live!  Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.  What a place!  It is beautiful.  I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up.  Got to 100 today. Not a problem though, live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today.  Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.  Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body).  Missed 3 days of work.  What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though.  Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and
swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my
lesson though. No more pets in this heat.  Good ol'  Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC
repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

Aug.  4th:
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug.  8th:
If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?'  I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!

Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the seat.  I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass.  Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording.  Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny.  Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damned months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn valley?  Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over.  Even the cactus can't live in this damned heat.

Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL!  Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"  My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail.
Freaking San Joaquin Valley. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?  Will write later to let you know how the
trial goes!


( 17 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 24th, 2005 01:38 am (UTC)
Hahahahaha God that is so, so true. Welcome to HELL, is right.
Sep. 24th, 2005 03:03 am (UTC)
Amen *I'm MELTING!*
Sep. 24th, 2005 03:03 am (UTC)
So very, very true...
Three weeks in Fresno at my grandfather's... Tiny house, two fans, no AC. Slept on the porch for two of said three weeks... I'm stayin' in Oklahoma, I can deal with a constant temp of 103 all summer long...115, no way in hell... XD XD
Sep. 24th, 2005 03:05 am (UTC)
Re: So very, very true...
WE have ceiling fans in EVERY room (Sans the 2 bathrooms) We never turn them off.
Sep. 24th, 2005 06:19 am (UTC)
Re: So very, very true...
We had two little table fans for the entire six rooms of the house. After a week we got to the 'sleep on porch or die of heat stroke' point. I'll take the fire ants on the porch over the house any day...and you guys have got some mean fire ants out there...XD
Sep. 24th, 2005 07:42 am (UTC)
Re: So very, very true...
Definately.... and they bloody HURT to be bitten.
Sep. 24th, 2005 03:14 am (UTC)

I have to pass this on, too funny and too true.

Do you have plans tomorrow? I was thinking of going to the Japanese Garden in Fresno or the museum. I'll drive *evil laugh*

Sep. 24th, 2005 07:40 am (UTC)

What time? (And I'll drive... I can smoke in my car... LOL) O_o
Sep. 24th, 2005 01:58 pm (UTC)
The Garden was my first pick too. Should we do our usual noon?

I won't argue on the driving thing. Do you know the way or should I bring the directions?
Sep. 24th, 2005 05:20 pm (UTC)
I just Crawled outta bed, How about 1:00, that gives me time to shower and stuff.

And yes, Bring Directions

Sep. 24th, 2005 05:41 pm (UTC)
One's fine, I'm still getting my act together this morning too. ^_^

See you then.
Sep. 24th, 2005 04:39 am (UTC)
haha, and here I am going home to Clovis tomorrow. XD
Sep. 24th, 2005 07:41 am (UTC)
It's actually NICE here right now. Supposed to be beautiful this weekend. Upper 80's
Sep. 24th, 2005 07:58 am (UTC)
oh god, 80s?! (I've become so accustomed to SF weather anything over 80 is hot, hahaha)
Sep. 24th, 2005 08:42 am (UTC)
See and that's COOL and COMFORTABLE for me now, I wanna turn off the air and open windows (If the air quality didn't SUCK so bad, I would)

Sep. 24th, 2005 10:56 am (UTC)
Hehehe, that was so funny :) Reminded me of a piece of Finnish winter humor -- posted it in my journal if you're interested...
Sep. 26th, 2005 04:13 am (UTC)
I saw, very funny
( 17 comments — Leave a comment )

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