I sit here, and I hear the talk of War and I just shake my head.
Nothing I say will stop it.
Nothing I do will change people's mind bent on destruction.
And I feel incredibly guilty that I can't whip up an emotion stronger than apathy about the whole situation.
It's like I've shut down that side of myself where I just can't care anymore.
I think I've finally hit that wall I saw coming these past few years as my life spiraled down into the existence I'm in today.
It's hard enough taking care of me, I can't emotionally or physically help others deal with this.
I see heartfelt fears, and pros and cons in my friends journals, and I can't bring myself to comment, and more to the point care.
That I guess is what distresses me most, my lack of any emotion regarding this issue.
Me the emotional ROLLER COASTER, can't even whip up good old fashioned anger or sadness.
Nothing, I'm just blank.
Something I've never been in my life. Me who has an opinion on oh, EVERYTHING, sits here facing the first void wondering how much bigger will this grow?
Will it move onto other things?
Will my passions no longer be there for me?
Will I sit here in oblivion forever?
I hope not, but I can't understand this state I'm in, so while I sort out my emotions, or lack of any emotions beyond being irritated by little things, I think I'll be hiding a while.
mojo3x4x3 I was away from my compy sleeping when you sent me the AIM message I wasn't ignoring you! I was downloading so left the computer on. You were already signed off when I got back.
I think I'm pretty much done with GW fandom, my muses are dried up, and the serious lack of responses and or feedback to about 6 months of hard work really drives the nail in the coffin. I am a dependant creature, when I bust my ass FOR YOU I don't do this shit for me alone, I have this perverse thing to give until I bleed, but having it acknowledged, even with a one liner feels good. REALLY GOOD.
durberville can attest to the fact I spent about 4-6 months drawing that blasted Doujinshi, and can you believe on a list that is solely Trowa and Quatre, and a rather LARGE one at that, not one person commented? Yet they can bitch about an author not even on that list anymore because she's posting her fic too damn slow and not even on that list anymore.
SO they can feedback a person and bitch about fic pacing, and totally ignore active member contribution.
Something is WRONG there.
And that's not the only list that happened on, either.
I'm done, I cannot give and give and give, I eventually run out of juice.
All I ever wanted was a one line "Thanks, I liked that."
Is that so hard?
To the Five of you that DID say thank you, Ruth, Bast, Bearilou, AKA Anonymous, and Tejina... THANKS!
Pretty sad when you show 5000 people, only 5 have manners and grace.
That's a 1 in 1000 odds/ratio
No it's very sad, cause 4 years ago it wasn't like this, people gave a damn about each other and feedback was just something you did automatically (and I still do when I read something or look at it. You gave me 15 minutes of pleasure, I damn sure owe you at least 20 seconds to tell you "Thank you.")
So I'm done producing, the fun is gone, cause let's face it, had people not responded and asked for more in the beginning, I would have stopped a long time ago.
I feel taken for granted, In the end I was doing for others and not myself, and now I feel like a discarded and used Kleenex.
I'm going to start working on things that I find enjoyable now. My Original things I've been putting off forever, and READING.
Lots and lots of reading. I want to go back and read and feedback on the things I missed out on.
So again, You know where to find me if you need me, right here.
Just no longer in race as it were, I'm merely a spectator.
The Fablespinner is RETIRED
D may occasionally draw the random 3x4 doodle, but fic wise Methinks the engine is out of steam.
I tried to finish open projects, but I just sat here blankly looking at my monitor and had nothing.
Nothing is there inside anymore, even when I try to force it, my spirit is dead, and that's depressing.
I need my inspiration back, and until it does return, I'm retired and resting, and reading.
Sorry if this upsets anyone, I'm just tired.