D's Daily Drama (fablespinner) wrote,
D's Daily Drama

  • Mood:

Desparatus Desiderium -- Part V

You know the drill -- I'm posting unproofread drivel as I write it...

“Desparatus Desiderium”
(Desperate Longing)
T  H  E    I  N  F  I  N  I  T  Y    S  E  R  I  E S
* III *
Author: D. Sanders

The Rest of this un-proofread BS can be Found here:

Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV


There were some dreams still far from their grasp and if Xan wasn’t going to keep his feet grounded, Kivi would. They were already in too deep; Kivi’s life was already forfeit if anyone discovered their love.

Loving Xan was a double-edged sword. To love him like this was signing his own death warrant.

Xan was worth the price, even if it ended in the morning, Kivi would die knowing what real love felt like in his heart. He would die knowing he was loved in return.

“Kivi come to bed.” Xan mumbled and Kivi silently obeyed and let Xan hold him while he slept.

It was much later before Kivi’s mind allowed him to find his own rest. He was too scared, too lost, too confused and too much in love to settle. When he finally did find sleep the sun was already beginning to rise.


Xan was the first to wake and the warmth of a body sleeping beside him brought a smile to his lips. He lay there for a moment just watching Kivi sleep until a smile spread softly across his lips. “Xan, you’re staring.” Kivi said softly, his eyes still shut.

Xan chuckled and moved to wrap around the man beside him. “You are a light sleeper if just my eyes can wake you.”

“I am, and I have not been asleep long.” Kivi replied with a yawn moving to sit up, Xan stopped him.

“Go back to sleep, it is early and you’ve nothing to get up for.”

“Xan you need your breakfast and bath and…”

“And nothing Kivi. If you slept poorly you will stay in bed. I can find my own food and turn on a tap. Did I disturb your sleep?”

“No my Xan. There is just much on my mind, I found it hard to purge my thoughts to go to sleep. It is not your fault.” Kivi reassured nestling against Xan’s chest, his voice sounding exhausted. Xan stroked his hair and kissed his brow.

“I’d argue it is my fault in a roundabout way, but I hate arguing with you when I find it far more pleasing to just lie here and just accept you as you are.”

Kivi opened his eyes and stretched to place a kiss on Xan’s lips. “You make my heart ache.”

“I hope you mean that in a good way.”

“I do Xan. My Sipa is coming.” Kivi said changing subjects and Xan nodded. He’d learned to tune out the comings and goings of people he hardly paid attention, it was a distraction if he didn’t. Kivi was sharp to pick out his father in a sea of people with him just barely through the front door far downstairs. But blood recognition was highly perceptive. Xan always knew where his Sipa was even half a continent away. He was eternally grateful his father was not as strong as he was in that talent, it gave him an edge growing up. Xan stood and stretched and sighed when Kivi crawled out of bed looking worn and padded on silent feet to pull his robe on and head into the main living area. They had at least ten minutes before he made it up to Xan’s top floor chambers, but Kivi was up and already putting a kettle on to boil.

Xan pulled his own dressing gown on and headed after Kivi. He’d make him take a nap later if it killed him.

Xan answered the door so Kivi wouldn’t have to show his face just in case there was someone else in the hall and Indira quickly stepped inside and as the door shut Kivi walked over to greet his Sipa. “You look tired my pearl. You had a restless night.”

Kivi nodded still lost in the luxury of his father’s embrace.

“So like your Hopa. Long past the time the body should be resting your minds refuse to let you sleep.” Indira had spent twenty-five years seeing that same behavior in his own mate, it was genetic and Kadala faired little better the night before too.

“I will be fine Sipa. There is much change to grow accustomed to.” Kivi said with a tired smile as Xan walked over and laid an arm about Kivi’s shoulders. Indira could not mistake the sweet scent coming from Xan and he smiled.

“I am intruding.” He said with a knowing chuckle and Xan shook his head.

“Life does not stop because I go into my cycle.” Xan said and kissed Kivi’s temple.

“Very true. I came by to drop off your new schedule. All is arranged you are my graduate assistant officially. All other classes have been cancelled. I have informed the head master you will be indisposed and not to be disturbed as you research. They think you are doing a historical thesis on our early cultural civilization. They just don’t know it’s pre-division.” Indira winked and Xan chuckled.

“So what would you have me start with?”

“Those two scrolls I brought. I am going to make a call later to a very old friend of mine. He holds very rare books for me. I have found very interesting lost chronicles, some kept by the early Primas prior to the purging, some kept by Ountas before their gifts were suppressed. Fascinating and horrible history, you need to know it all, and these books if found would be burned before you could blink.”

“I’m intrigued. Where did you find them?” Xan asked as they moved to sit around the table and Kivi set out pastries and tea before Xan pulled him into a chair to sit.

“Many places. Old cellars, attics, flee markets, buried in libraries, everywhere.”

“I presume you’re not daft enough to have them near.”

“Oh no. They are off planet under protection and safe. I will call my friend to bring them, I only trust him to guard these.”

“He must be powerful.”

“The man is remarkable. Human, but fearless and brilliant.”

“Human? Really. They don’t have gifts.”

“He has other gifts Xan. He has a military career that would make even the most decorated general pause in salute. Human or not, he fought Tsions and won.”

“Tsions haven’t been in these sectors since the Tsionic wars. A human has had no contact in over two hundred years or more.”

“Ah Xan. Stop thinking logically, there are some things that defy explanation and just are. He has natural defenses that even your talents would be hard pressed to master.”

“I will take your word for it. What is his name?”

“Callum, Eran Callum.”

“Surely not. He’s in the old texts from the wars, no human lives so long.”

“He does. You will see when you meet him. He is different and has long been a friend to the Sansui Society.”

“I remember him. The man with the purple eyes and the blond human, his mate with him was very kind. He gave me candy.” Kivi spoke half asleep in his juice with a smile on his face.

“You were only five, you remember?” Indira asked and Kivi nodded.

“I do. But I think any child would remember candy from another world. Pep-mant or something I think it was called.” Kivi chuckled at the memory. “It tasted like our fresh leaves only sweeter.”

“Peppermint.” Xan said having had the confection before.

“That’s it! Peppermint.” Kivi nodded and Xan just smiled at him.

“I call Eran back whenever I make a new discovery. This will be the first time I have him bring the books back. He will be intrigued. He is about as insatiable a learner as you Xan.” Indira said and Xan smiled.

“Then we shall be good company if that is so.”

“I would like to convince him to work with you. He has a unique knowledge and we could learn much from his point of view.”

“I am always open to see a situation from a neutral party. It brings clarity to a biased reasoning. I have several rooms here; please invite them to stay with me here. I have a feeling I will not be leaving these rooms much with the sheer amount of reading I see in my future.”

“No Xan, you will be busy indeed.” Indira chuckled then looked at his son who had dozed off with his cheek resting on his hand on the table.

“He is exhausted.” Indira sighed and Xan nodded.

“He spent a lot of energy on me last night. I suffer the madness when I cycle. He fought that and won.”

“Did he?”

“Yes. He has strong gifts Indira. Very strong, and even untrained he can use them against me. Granted it was just a cooling hypnotic, but he managed to tame my instincts when they started to control me. He is my perfect match. I have been known to not remember mating at all when I am taken by my instincts. I remember everything. He is my last mate, I will mate no other.”

“He’ll fight you on that. He sees how difficult it is for his Hopa and I. He fears it even if he loves you in return. He’ll resist change. His fear for you will hold him back. Never think he fears for himself, he’s not prone to self-preservation. He is prone to sacrifice if he thinks it will help another. It’s a bad habit he learned from his Hopa. I begin to wonder sometimes if it’s genetic.” Indira said watching his son sleep.

“I see a lifetime of arguing with him. I will find it most enjoyable. I think I will move him to bed, he will not be happy if he awakes with a stiff neck.” Xan said softly picking up Kivi from his chair, he was so tired even the movement did not wake him. He was literally passed out from exhaustion. Xan laid him to bed and covered him with a light blanket then shut the door on his way out.

“Xan, I must thank you. I have prayed since the day Kadala passed him as a pearl he would one day have someone who would love him as I do.”

“Please do not thank me Indira. I promise to protect your son.”

“I know you will. I will leave you for now. You have enough to keep you busy and I’ll let you know what arrangements I make for more educational pursuits. Be Well Xan-ka.”

Xan smiled at the obvious acceptance of his relationship with Kivi. He was honored to be given the honorific title of Son even though he and Kivi we’re not formally united. Xan shook Indira’s hand. “Be well, Sipa-ka.” Xan returned the honorific of fatherly respect and Indira smiled and left.

Xan settled on the couch with the scrolls and drank his tea and ate pastry while he devoured the scrolls and their shocking content.

This was certainly information buried on purpose. It was a horrific accounting of genocide. Xan’s hand shook when his ancient family name appeared again and again. It was his family lineage that had started it all. He was weeping with grief when Kivi came racing out of the bedroom to pull him close.

“Xan! Dear Xan what is wrong? I feel your pain.” Kivi’s arms shook trying to hold Xan close hurting himself in the process by picking up on Xan’s emotions.

“Let go Kivi, I’ll be fine. I am just, upset at seeing proof of what I suspected. I know what my Hopa meant. I understand what he tried to tell me years ago. He knew this, he wanted me to understand.”

“Xan. Your Hopa was part of the Sansui Society. He started it.” Kivi said softly hating what he was about to tell Xan but knew Xan should know the truth. Indira has told this tale to Kivi years ago, it seemed Xan did not know.

“I know. I see it here.”

“There is more Xan. You should know the truth. Your Hopa’s death… It was not as you have been told.”

“Kivi what do you know? I saw it with my own two eyes. He fell right before me.”

“Open your adult eyes Xan. He fell yes, what was he telling you as he died?”

“Oh god Kivi. This! He was telling me all of this; I thought it was a story. Oh my god!”

“Yes Xan. Telling you in a way a child would understand, there was one near who objected. My Sipa told me when I was young, right after it happened. It was a sad time for my Sipa and Hopa. They had such admiration for your Hopa.”

“Kivi, the only other person in that room was my Sipa.”

“Xan, I know.”

Xan saw red, he was furious. Stepping back from his eight year old memories and looking at the scene again through adult eyes he knew the horrible truth. Devapa had not died of natural causes; he had been murdered by his own mate and in front of Xan’s very innocent eyes.

Xartova must have caused the hemorrhage in Devapa’s brain when he had walked in on Devapa telling Xan that story.

Seeing the list of Indivar atrocities listed for centuries before him and how badly a man like Xartova would have wanted this knowledge buried Xan struggled to breathe. His own Sipa had murdered his Hopa.

“I’ll kill him.” Xan was furious and he threw his teacup into the fireplace in a murderous rage. Kivi was shaking harder and he raced forward and grabbed Xan’s arms and shook.

“No Xan! Stop this and think! You must not let him know that you know. It is your advantage.”

Xan broke down in sobs, anger and frustration tearing him apart. Kivi held him close and let Xan purge his grief.

“You are everything your Hopa wished you would be. I am sure he is smiling at you from the heavens.” Kivi whispered as he traced his fingers along Xan’s temples to relax him.

“Kivi. I need you.” Xan choked, he was emotionally raw and he needed comfort.

“I know.” Kivi breathed as he placed a gentle kiss behind Xan’s ear. Not only was Xan suffering emotional heartbreak, he was fighting his cycle at the same time. He needed Kivi more than ever; he was being torn in two. Kivi took Xan by the hand and gently led him back to the bedroom where Xan purged anger and sadness until he fell into an exhausted sleep.

Kivi gingerly walked into the living room. He had not stopped Xan who needed release and when the madness took hold, he allowed Xan’s instincts to run wild. Kivi’s body was quite unused to such force and he needed to clean up Xan’s mess before he found a bed himself to recover.

Kivi hissed as he cut his finger on a piece of glass as he tried to clean it out of the fireplace. He was sucking on his finger and hobbling over to the sink with a limp. His lower body was aching, his emotions were aching, his finger was aching, everything was sore.

He was running his finger under the tap when Xan came out of the bedroom.

“You cut yourself.”

“I am fine Xan. It is just a small cut.”

Xan walked over and looked crestfallen as he ran a finger over a mark on Kivi’s hip. A bruise in the shape of his fingers. “Forgive me.” Xan choked ready to cry again. Kivi just laid his good hand over Xan’s heart.

“There is nothing to forgive you for Dear Xan. You did not do that on purpose.”

“I hurt you.”

“It was the madness. I chose not to stop you, you needed to purge and you are in season. It happens.”

“I’d rather die than hurt you. Kivi, stop me please next time. I beg you, never let me run wild like that again.”

Kivi just nodded as Xan took his finger and wrapped a small bandage over the cut. “Leave the mess Kivi. I made it, I’ll clean it, please come rest with me, I am tired and I disturbed your sleep with my outbursts.”

“Xan you learned horrible things today, you are allowed outbursts as you call them.” Kivi said as he walked into Xan’s open arms.

“I’ve never needed anyone as I need you now. Kivi-ki.” Xan said softly, adding a common term of endearment used by mated couples to the end of Kivi’s name. It meant beloved and was only used by formally mated partners. Kivi sighed; he was not going to argue with Xan anymore. There were worse things than allow the man you loved to call you his beloved, or to call him that in return.

“I will always be here for you. Xan… ki.” Kivi replied and Xan’s arms tightened around him in response.

“Thank you.” Xan breathed as he led them both back to the bedroom to sleep.

“For what?”

“For just being you Kivi-ki. For just being you.” Xan sighed as they curled up together and let exhausted bodies and drained emotions send them into fitful oblivion.


Xan once more awoke before Kivi and he watched him sleep with a look of worry on his face. First he had used gifts he was untrained in how to use properly and then Xan’s gifts had taken their toll on him during the madness. It didn’t take too much logic to piece together Kivi’s exhaustion and strain. He’d expended his capabilities during their first mating and had no power during their second and he looked worn. Xan was upset, Kivi was the last person he wanted his gifts to affect adversely and rather than wake him up with his emotional upset, Xan silently crawled out of bed and made his way toward the living areas to work.

He looked up from the scroll he was immersed in studying when a silent Kivi laid a hand to his cheek. “I didn’t hear you get up. Go back to bed Ki, you need your rest.”

“I am alright my Xan. Please do not worry so over me.” Kivi said leaning over to place a gentle kiss on Xan’s brow. “I am hungry I will sleep better after my stomach settles.” Kivi reassured moving into the kitchen, Xan following him.

“Sit Kivi. I’ll make it for you, you can barely stand.”

This time Kivi did not protest and Xan smiled as Kivi gingerly sat in a chair.

“I am sorry Kivi.”

“Xan, I know. It was the madness, not you. If it is any consolation, it felt wonderful while you were mating me. It’s just after that takes getting used to, my body is just not used to you yet.”

“I don’t want you getting used to such force. I don’t remember even doing that to you. I wish I did not suffer so. I get this from my Sipa and his before him. It’s sadly an Indivar affliction.”

“And many besides you suffer it. I have it, just not to the degree you do. I just get, quite insatiable during my season.” Kivi grinned and Xan smiled as he set a plate of their warmed leftovers in front of Kivi.

“Do you now? Please do elaborate.” Xan set fixing a plate for himself as he joined Kivi at the table.

“Xan. You are funny. My madness manifests as just an intense desire to be mating, pretty much constantly. My madness comes on me and stays turned on for a week. Yours at least passes.”

“A constantly turned on Kivi.” Xan closed his eyes and he smiled. “When are you due?”

Kivi laughed and just shook his head. “Xan, you’re a fool. Honestly, you are such a joy. Not for a few weeks at the earliest. I had a cycle about five months ago.”

“I am looking forward to that.”

“You would. But you should be careful, you’ve already shown twice now you can find my chamber with ease.”

“I found it again?”

“Yes my Xan.”

“I’ll get some protection. You’re right; we don’t need you passing a pearl. Yet.”

Kivi just sighed; Xan had stressed the word ‘yet’. It was obvious the man was dead set on Kivi being his life mate. Kivi gave up the fight. Xan was too stubborn and it wasn’t as if Kivi had objections toward the idea, just the situational trials they’d face. Xan took his hand and kissed every fingertip.

“I will protect you. No one will take you from me.” Xan said and Kivi interlaced his fingers in Xan’s.

“I know Xan. It’s just... I am scared of many things and many difficulties I see ahead of us. I fear, even if I am most happy. It is a paradox. I have long wanted love like we share; I have a sincere desire to be your life mate and to host your children. I just cannot allow myself to be lost in those dreams; the world is going to become even more chaotic. I can feel it.”

“We’ll whether the Chaos Ki. Together.”

Kivi nodded leaning across the table to share a tender kiss with Xan. “I will never be able to resist your will Xan-ki.”

Xan smiled and ran a hand over Kivi’s soft hair. “Eat Ki, then back to bed. I have much to take note of here and I want you rested and recovered from my urges before I start showing you how to tame me properly.” Xan winked and Kivi just smiled in resignation and finished his meal before heading back to bed to rest.


“Incoming Transmission. Holy Fuck, hang on this is encrypted out the wazoo. What fucking code is this in?” Cris cursed as he looked at the incoming garbled message. “Whatever this is, it’s important. What language is this in?” Cris always did have a habit of talking to himself while he worked.

“Where was the point of transmission?” Eran asked leaning over Cris’ shoulder.

“Sansun. It’s probably from your friend Indira. He’s the only one who sends you stuff this protected.”

“He’s either got a new find or the Society shit is about to hit the fan. That is a political hot spot waiting to blow up like a time bomb.”

“Tell me about it. What a fucked up society, I sure as shit would not take some fucker telling me I had to walk around in a sack with a collar on that made it so I couldn’t even talk.”

“You try fighting someone who can smash your brain with a thought. Hell my friend Devapa was a Prima and he still managed to have his brain squashed. I swear I’m waiting for the chance to stick my foot up Xartova’s ass.”

“I hung out with Kadala last time we were there. Dude, that man can cook and he told me way more than I wanted to know. I can tell you right now, thank FUCK I don’t have a pearl chamber. That is seriously fucked up.” Cris chuckled as he clacked away trying to decode Indira’s message.

“I heard the sex is incredible though. It’s like hitting the g-spot times twelve.” Eran waggled his eyebrows with a shit-eating grin on his face.

“Yeah, I know. Still. I would not want to shit out a rock with spikes after. Regardless of the killer sex.”

“It’s only small.”

“Did you talk to Kadala? He said it was probably the worst pain he’s ever felt in his life. Excruciating and he almost bled to death. Although I must admit being able to self lubricate would come in real handy sometimes.” Cris smirked then changed the subject for a moment. “Almost got this decoded.”

“That would be really handy and you saw that sweet kid. Tell me Kadala would have given up his son. Ask any woman with labor pains, the pain I guess is worth it.”

“You’ve gone soft in your old age Eran. But Kivi was an adorable kid. Pissed me off he had to wear that stupid collar. It broke Kadala’s heart.” Cris said as the message beeped and Indira’s face showed on the monitor.

“Eran, my friend, I hope you have been well. Cris forgive my extra precautions but I am sure you managed to break my code.” Indira chuckled on the recorded message and Cris saluted the image.

“Of course dude.” He replied with a wink as the message continued.

“I have a favor I beg of you. I need you to bring back all the documents. Our society’s hope has come of age and his Hopa would be more than proud of him.” Indira said specifically not mentioning the name. “He has joined the society and he must know it all. I also ask your counsel, you have always been friend to us and your insight and experience we are in need of now.”

Eran paused the message. “Xantarun Indivar is probably whom he means. He was Devapa’s youngest son. He was eight when Xartova killed Devapa right in front of him. At least Devapa was able to influence him young enough. This is gonna be interesting.” Eran said lighting up a cigarette. Hitting play again on the message as he sat back to smoke and listen intently.

“Our hope has shown interest in getting your neutral and unbiased opinions. He has far surpassed our hopes. His skills are unequaled and his mind is sharp and keen. He can lead this world with the proper guidance and aid at his side. I beg you for the society and as a friend. Please help us. This is our hour at last.” Indira’s message ended with him formally bowing and Cris switched off the monitor.

“Big news.” Cris said turning to Eran who looked deep in thought.

“This could get real ugly, real fast. This is civil war brewing big time.”

“Yeah. We should probably take Brion back home before we get mixed up in this shit. Cause I know you, you’re chomping at the bit here.”

“No time. I have the Books and scrolls in a vault on Dantoba. We’re just three days from there and then another five to Sansun. To detour back to Pirotaine would take us three months. Wait a minute, Romi is on Sansun isn’t she?”

“Fuck, she is.”

“We send him with his mother. She’s suddenly gotten laryngitis, I do not want her there either.” Eran said stubbing out his cigarette.

Eran hit the speaker com to make a ship wide announcement. “Family meeting, right now at the table.” He said as he and Cris headed into the living area to play the message for Beau and Val.

“We are going right?” Beau asked and Eran nodded.

“If we are all in agreement yes.” He answered and Val slammed his hand down.

“Damn straight we’re going. It broke my heart having to watch that shit last time. Tovi cried for a week after. She wanted to smuggle Kivi away in her luggage. I can’t say I didn’t want to either. He was just a baby practically. And he had it lucky. I am in, shoot me, like I can die? I’m in.” Val said emphatically.

“I want to get my mom out of there, even I know how dangerous a Prima can be.”

“Even Tsions don’t mess with Primas kid. Human psychic abilities are like a single flea biting a dog to them. You will take your mother HOME. This will be one nasty war when the shit hits the fan. I’ve no doubt I’ll be blown up a time or two from the inside out before it’s over.”

“Eran that was positively not necessary to state.” Beau shuddered but knew it was the truth.

“Just stating the facts. We’ll be way out of our league, but we’ll at least be able to offer perspective from an untalented point of view. We’re going for counsel, but Prima’s are smart, they’ll try to take out the brains of the organization first. We’ll be at that core.”

“Shall I record a response?” Cris asked picking up a recorder to point at Eran.

“Absolutely.” Eran said turning to face the lens as Cris hit record.

“Indira. E.T.A. Eight days.” Eran’s messages were always direct and to the point. Cris just turned the camera on himself. “Never mind gloomy. Tell Kadala I’d love some of his almond cookies. Pretty Please.” Cris blew kisses at the camera before shutting of the camera.

“You’re an absolute retard.” Eran rolled his eyes and Cris grinned.

“With an IQ of 222?”

“I’ll 222 you. Send the fucking message.”

Cris laughed and loaded the message on the computer and encrypted it with the code Indira had used on his transmission then sent it back to it's point of origin.


  • Post a new comment


    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded