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Dolittle D? Why yes actually!


Dear Dog and/or Cat,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food...
(Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate & food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food & dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because
I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure
your comfort.

Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up
in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize
space used is nothing but sarcasm.)

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I

(In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years, Canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats'
butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

  • 1. They live here; you don't.

  • 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

  • 3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

  • 4. To you it's an animal. To me, he and/or she is an adopted son

  • and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech </li>
    challenged. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for </li>
    money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never </li>
    drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or </li>
    smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your </li>
    clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get </li>
    pregnant, you can sell the results. </li>


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 10th, 2004 02:33 am (UTC)
*armsup* Go, you! LOL! You know, very small children do the same bathroom door thing! *scritchscratchknocksqueak* Auntie Nacie, what are you doing? >.
Apr. 10th, 2004 02:43 am (UTC)
My cat has her dish on top of the dryer..so she can eat without the dogs trying to get at it. Lately she won't come eat on the dryer. She's eating the dog's food instead -_-;
Today I found out why-there's a squirrel that's been coming down off the roof to eat her food.
My reaction: 'The hell?! I've seen you kill squirrels. You hunt them. So, what? You've adopted this one? It's allowed?? Eat!'
She just looks at me, like: 'You can't expect me to eat out of anything that's been touched by a rodent.'

Animals. They amuse me.

if they get pregnant, you can sell the results

Technically, you can sell the results of your kids pregnancies too...there's a pretty good-sized black market..
Apr. 10th, 2004 02:47 am (UTC)
LOL! I can truly relate with you on this.

Amber T. Pusscat loves to check up on me while I'm in the bathroom, especially when it's time to be fed. I swear she thinks I'll fall in.
Apr. 10th, 2004 06:20 am (UTC)
I broke something laughing at this...so which one has decided to break the rules this time?

IT amazes me to this day that a cat as tiny as Head could consume that much space on my bed...and yes there were occasional swatches of tongue to claim that extra centimetre or so just to remind whose bed he THOUGHT it was!
Apr. 11th, 2004 05:52 am (UTC)
It's always Kaiser, who else?


I really do not want you to lick me after you just finished licking your own arse hole dog!!!

Apr. 11th, 2004 01:08 pm (UTC)
As the "mother" of nine cats, of which one is my mother's favorite and therefore the only indoor cat, and three others are all noisy brats -- I can so relate.

This morning my dad was in a snit because the merry mob was hell-bent on terrorizing a mouse and wouldn't kill it. He claims reducing their food intake will make them more amenable to killing mice. @__@ Durrr. I think not!

Not to mention that one of the (now-pregnant) cats brought home her boyfriend -- whom we strongly suspect is the father of two of the bratlings. Yikes!

Still, the brats are a whole lot better than people, for sure!
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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