October 24th, 2003

aph-SuFin (My Art) 2

Serious Question

Because I have some serious confidence issues here.

Not to mention I'm terrified if I actually DO try to do what I'm thinking about, make the investment, do all the work my reputation for being an ego maniac is going to jump up and bite me in the ass.

My dilemma is basically thus...

I want to see if I can put together a nice art book of some of my better stuff, and do some new things for it I won't put on my site.

HOWEVER, like I said I am really scared of doing it.

1.) I'm not all that talented, and am afraid if I do create a book, it's going to be laughed at and I'm going to be stuck with kindling for a fire
2.) There's the very real BAD reputation I seem to have acquired over the years, wherein the "ego" I am often accused of possessing in huge abundance, this would look like I'm proving the accusations by even considering doing this let alone having the gall to think I could sell my art. "Look at her, she thinks she's soooo good, who'd buy that trash she thinks is hot shit." Yeah, I wish that were a caricature, but it's not. People have said these sorts of things to me to my face and much worse, much, MUCH worse. I've had some real soul crushing things said. Does wonders for my confidence.
3.) My damn near ZERO commission rate, that again is a factor. I don't get asked to do them but by VERY close friends, I've done a total of 3 commissions EVER, so there's another red flag I have telling me this is a BAD idea.
4.) This is something I'd like to do, but with all the big ugly reality issues and mediocre talent issues I'm not sure if I should bother and scrap the idea as being a pipe dream.

I need HONEST advice. I don't want or need and ego stroke, because while I do appreciate when my friends do that for me, it doesn't help me when I'm considering this sort of project.

Treat this like you don't know me, you just saw this book for sale, would you walk past, or buy it?

Honestly. BRUTALLY PLEASE. I need the truth cold and hard.

I think I've convinced myself NOT to do it, but I have that stupid, "in your mind and making you insomniatic" doubt lingering.

Because you guys do give me nice feedback, so I get this boost of ego stroke euphoria and confidence, and then I'm slammed with the harsh stuff again.

So honestly no sugar coating, straight up. Should I consider doing this? Or really pack it in for several more years until I improve more?

I've had this dream/idea for a lot of years actually, I just don't ever think I'm ever good enough to start putting it together.

And every year it gets harder and harder, because every year, like I said, I get more and more people making sure I never get an overblown ego.

It wouldn't be so agonizing this dilemma if the sides were even, Trust me the "Friends who support you no matter how crappy" vs. the "Slam her, her art, her dog, her life, her fics be mean and nasty" side is NOT even. The latter is distressingly HUGE actually. Either that or they are just a lot more vocal and persistent that I see everything they have to say.

Whatever the case, it makes me more than insecure, I'm really terrified of putting stuff out there to be laughed at and embarrassed.

Also scared of giving them more fodder to rant at me over too.

So I really need some honest advise.

And I'm talking in circles now, yeah. I think now that I said this, I might be able to sleep some.

Night ALL!


EDIT:

This isn't for profit, I just want to break even. ^_^ I see that cropping up in everyone's wonderful advice.
But it *IS* a fan porject, just a labor of love, and I'm not out to make money off it, just clear costs back really.

Ya know like the Anthologies you can buy at cons... that sort of fan project. Only not quite so massive.
We're talking Digital image printing (Fancy Xerox) about 50 pages, paper cover. Full color yes, but Digital Printing can do that. Actual printing in so many colors ! EI CHI WAH WAH! We're talking 10 grand to start!

EEP, I wasn't very clear, Spubba said it best, Nice, but Ashcan stuff. Limited Quality, limited funds, keep cost of book for people to buy UNDER $20 that sort of thing.

Thanks again everyone who's commenting, you're giving me lots to think about.

Mixed Fandoms, Original Art, just pretty Bois on glossy paper. I love those sorts of Artbooks, but then I guess because I'm an artist, and certain other artists I will buy anything they make because I LOVE THEM, just one example, I have a wardrobe cabinet FULL of them....

Eiri Asato (I have a King of Fighters DJ, I know FUCK ALL about King of Fighters, but it's Eiri and it's GORGEOUS!)

But that's me, it's HOW *I* buy books. By artist, and but how much I sit there in *AWE* and *ENVY* of them and their talent.

I guess that's another reason I'm so scared, because I compare myself a lot to other people *I* admire and want to torch my stuff, and want to improve to their level so badly I can TASTE IT!

The desire to be better is there, and I don't improve FAST enough for my liking I guess.

^^
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