June 5th, 2003

aph-SuFin (My Art) 2

Hummm

Taking stock of my life.

Today was June 4th
Today would have been my 9th anniversary
My Divorce will have been final for a Year in October (Yaoi-con! is my Anniversary Date, good way to celebrate)

Just a few moments ago I was sitting on the ground, playing with Kaiser, and I got back up again using only my legs.
I will never take for granted the use of my body and limbs for simple things like that, ever again, because I can clearly remember not being able to do that 3 years ago.

I remember having lost the use of my hands, and the despair I felt thinking I may never draw or write again.
So I draw a picture and am thankful for every moment I can be creative while doing so.

I must laugh at the irony. Here I sit in the throws of nasty menstrual cramps, and horrible PMS that I get every month, and I've only become "regular" in recent years. For years I suffered no cycle, it would come and go as it pleased. It would skip a year, and then I'd become almost anemic from 4 months of constant bleeding. I've always been sort of non-functional there.

Now I'm in perfect cycle only after I've had half of my inner workings REMOVED.

The irony being, now it bleeds right, but I can never have children.

So what's the point?

I sit and look at the craziness that is me, all the "broken" bits, the "sick" bits, the "lonely" bits, the "poorer than dirt" bits...

Then I look at my will power, I've heard of people with a lot less problems doing insane things, I just don't get it.

By all rights, I should be suicidal.

But I'm not.

I'm actually on the whole quite a happy person. I don't need a lot to make me happy. I need good FRIENDS, which I have. I need Chocolate, chocolate is cheap. I need paper and a pencil, again cheap. I need my Family, FREE.

I NEED a new car, but that will have to wait, See the "Poorer than Dirt" statement. But that need won't kill me.

I NEED a JOB, there's a hiring freeze at the place I interviewed for, FIGURES. The Temp agencies are not calling, and I can't be a farm worker, my health stops me there. Again it won't kill me, I just have to make every penny count.

I NEED my ex to pay me what he was ordered by the courts to pay. He's $6,000.00 PLUS behind in payments. (Not made a willing payment ever. Last garnishment check was in September 2002, then he quit that job. No clue where he works now and he won't tell me) He won't return calls or e-mails, I have begged, crawled on my belly begged for him to pay. I get no response. I still have to pay those bills job or not. He gives a shit, he has new chick and can hide from me so he is, I have no recourse because I can't afford a legal aide to track the low life down. Again, frustrating, painful, hurtful, but it won't kill me. I just have to write this off I guess, or have some lawyer take pity on me and do a job for free. (*insert sarcastic laughter here*)

I NEED health insurance, mine ends in August, without a job NO INSURANCE COMPANY will insure me independently. I'm super HIGH RISK.

Overweight, Diabetic, Severe Allergic Asthmatic, Low Immune system, history of near fatal bouts of Pneumonia, Long hospital stays, medications up the wazoo that are for LIFE.

Without HMO's I am up shit creek, my cobra is up August 31st.

That will be 4 days after my 32nd Birthday.

Am I scared? Hell yes.

This NEED, WILL KILL ME. I will have to stop taking my meds cause without insurance I cannot afford them. If I get sick, let's not temp fate there. Not a GOOD THING.

But There's nothing I can do. So WHY let it make my current day to day life hell? That's just compounding the problem.
I choose NOT to get depressed.
I Choose to be happy.

There's a lot of things I can't do and can't have.
I must accept this.
Life always goes on.

There are a lot of things I CAN DO and CAN HAVE.
I can watch the sunset, I do
I can see a Rainbow, I saw one the other day
I can play in the rain, I did the day I saw the rainbow
I can make sugar-free Ice Cream, I do
I can sing, I do
I can play the Piano (somewhat), and I do
I can have friends, I do have friends
I can draw a picture, and I do
I can play with my Dog, I do
I can sing in the shower, I do
I can sit and talk with my Mom over silly stuff, I do
I can jam with my Dad in his studio, I do
I can sit at the coffee shop with friends and talk anime, I do
I can get on the computer and talk and draw with friends, I do
I can say anything I want in my livejournal, and I do *GRIN*

My life is pretty good I think, even all things considered.
Because...

I

AM

ALIVE!


Thank you.
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