My emotional roller coaster this weekend does not help either. I'm just wrung out. I know I am to blame for a lot of my woes and I need to seriously step back and re-evaluate my priorities in life.
Granted I have no personal life really, I go to work, I come home. I have no kids, and my time is mine.
I have no "real life" friends, as in friends I can physically do things with, cause I'm honestly NOT the type of person that makes friends easy. I'm opinionated, emotional, and not the typical "Chick". Most of the women I meet via work are those I'd want strangle for being insipid ninnies. I don't do the shopping or the gossip thing. I don't do make up or cook, or talk about "girly-things".
So I don't go "out" with the girls. My two friends in town Vince and Paul have been/were having problems so I've been making myself scare since like Labor Day. I've not since them since then, and I always feel like I'm imposing if I call to do something. And Vince still has my Gravitation and Fake DVD's damn it. I better call eventually, but so do not want to rock a boat just in case.
So there's that social avenue down the toilet.
I feel sequestered in my home office. I come home, I sit here 8 hours, I go to bed, Get up go to work, come home, rinse and repeat.
I've been back home with my Parents almost a year now, March 1st will be a year and I am STILL living out of one drawer and half of a closet. All my "things" are in boxes in the garage.
I promised them to stay here so my mother does not have to work and Dad and I will pay the bills.
I'd really like to have one room to call my own. I don't think that's too much to ask since I'm helping pay the mortgage and bills here.
But getting my mother to clear out her stuff is like pulling teeth. "I'll do it when it's cooler outside" (Summer excuse) ... "We'll do it when it's warmer so we can have a garage sale" (Winter excuse).
I have a corner of the office, and I have ONE drawer and half a closet that are "mine" in a 3 bed 2 bath house I help pay for.
I can't take much more.
I'm almost 32 years old and I feel just like a pantomime of a person.
I'm just here taking up breathing space and making money for my mother so she can be a housewife.
And I'm STUCK.
On my measly salary I could not afford to live alone
I promised my father I'd stay here so Mom wouldn't have to work
I have no where to go even if I wanted to go somewhere
I went from being stuck in a bad marriage, to being stuck in a time warp.
I feel like I'm back in High School only I have less "Stuff" I actually had a whole room to myself then.
I hate rushing my mother to clear out that room I'm sleeping in, but I'd really like a place to call mine. I'd like to take a few of my things out of the boxes collecting dust, I just want SPACE to breathe again.
If I go out, granted they don't demand to know where I am going or say give me a curfew or anything. Obviously, I'm in my thirties they do give me that sort of adult respect.
But I do get the "Where, when and what time are you coming back questions." I don't mind those, I'd tell them anyway so they would not worry.
But I'm also back to being the "slave".
"Get me a soda"
"Go to the store for me."
"Go check the Mail"
"Take these back to Blockbuster for me."
"Can you get a paper? Lotto Ticket?..."
Things they did for themselves until I came back home. And if I said "no" I'd be the ungrateful daughter. Catch 22.
Am I ranting or what? I guess I do have a roof over my head so I should stop bitching about it.
I just wonder what the hell happened to my social life?
12 years ago I had friends, I went out, I had fun occasionally.
I got married, lost all my friends one by one.
I got divorced, went back home and now have no time to MAKE friends.
It's easy to get friends in High School, as an adult the only ways are going out to bars.
I do not drink, I can't drink.
Going alone to a bar is just fucking pathetic. To stand there and do nothing and hold a wall up?
This in my opinion labels me "Easy" and guarantees the dregs of society coming over drunk thinking they at 70, balding, teeth missing and reeking of booze will "get them some."
How do I know this, I did try this once or twice. I always get the same losers coming over.
fat + ugly + over 30 + alone = desperate and will lay anything
I just have one un-answerable question.
How the HELL did I get here?
What Cosmic God did I piss off and how the hell do I apologize?
I've not a fricking clue.
So I'll write out my wishes and let imaginary people like Trowa and Quatre get the things I want occasionally.
Better fantasy than ugly reality all the time.
Back to writing, it's better than shooting myself in the head after all.