D's Daily Drama (fablespinner) wrote,
D's Daily Drama

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A Pause for Contemplation...

I just finished reading the book durberville sent "Fag Hag". And I'm not sure WHAT to think. Granted the characterizations were over the top and melodramatic but a lot of little things in that hit too close to home for comfort, and I had to step back and look at myself.

Am *I* a fag hag?

Not in the grossly out of proportion portrayal in this book, but the Main character "Natalie" is a hell of a lot like me.

I'm overweight, I have admittedly low self-esteem. But it's hard to argue with the mirror I have to see myself naked in when I get out of the shower.

My real life heterosexual life has been the major let down of the century. I've had all of two relationships in 30 years.

The first I was 19, a freshmen in college. Fat, Ugly, and desperate for ANY ATTENTION.

He was 22 and a Navy Seabee. Blonde, Nice looking, and good bod. I was flabbergasted anyone like HIM would even look twice at me. He was a friend of a friend, we'd gone to the same High School and I'd never even met him, and there was only 300 people in my high school.

Oh the JOYS of being the wall flower.

But I digress...

That Phrase "A Sailor has a girl in every port" applied to Barry. He was demeaning, patronizing, insulting, and never let me forget I was LUCKY he gave me the time of day, being as undesirable as I was...and I almost married him until I caught him with another girl.

When I broke up with him he came over and beat me up. Thank GOD my friend Chuckk (Yes with 2 k's) was coming over and he dragged the bastard off me.

I hit another dry spell... Hell I was used to it.

I hit 22 and meet the man I DID marry.

Again same cycle of abuse of the mental variety. And that I was married to for eight years. And would still be married to most likely if he hadn't left me for...

surprise, surprise, another woman.

I can look BACK and scream at myself for putting up with this because had I been an outsider seeing this I'd have moved heaven and earth to get my friend OUT of that situation.

Hind sight is always 20/20 they say. God it's so True.

The only POSITIVE male influences in my life, with the exclusion of my father and he can be a prick at times. Are my Gay Male Friends.

(And yes, they can be pricks too, we all can. Sexual orientation does not exclude people from being asses unfortunately. They just don't seem to be as prick-ish as often.)

The males in my life who like me for me, who don't see the fat, ugly chick. They see ME.

Because my looks are a non-issue with them, I could be Cindy fucking Crawford and I'd get as much attention sexually. I LIKE THAT, yet again, we come to the same problem, where does that leave me?

Alone with 2 D Batteries and my imagination.

Again I digress, too much info there....

I get the male companionship I love, but none of the benefits from my Gay Male Friends.

I turn to look at the Het crowd and just cringe. I am too old to be back in this situation again. It was bad enough at 20.

Now I'm fat, ugly and OLD. (I don't feel old, but boy you say you're over thirty and people RUN)

Strike three and you're outta there.

So warnings to my Gay Friends who have read this book, if I start staking out your homes in a van with bug devices and lock you in basements, shoot me first.


I do realize I am not this sort of person, I do not identify with "Natalie" to that extreme. Just the little mundane things about her. We're built the same, have the same failures at Het relationships, and find ourselves in one cycle of abuse after another. Find ourselves in LOVE with ideals, and when those "ideals" find love with someone ELSE it's really fucking depressing.

Been there done that a million times before I got married. I haven't left home since I divorced, I'm too tired, too OLD, to face that crap again. I have to actually WORK during the week, which means no more late nights. Then on the weekend I have to recover from WORK so I can do it again. God what a nasty cycle that is, COME ON LOTTO!

And I am not stupid, I am semi-intelligent, I believe I'm walking into situations with both eyes open.

I just don't seem to notice the Rose Colored Glasses perched on my nose before it's too late and they get ripped off my face to be replaced by the plank of reality hitting me in the face.

I think I'm going to stick with writing and drawing my little Gay Romance fantasies and leave real romance to the "Pretty People".

I'm so bloody tired of it all, and I get much more pleasure GIVING romance to fictional characters than I do trying to chase it in real life.

Too many damn hurdles to jump over and I was never an athlete.

(Holds up Drink) Cheers to those who find "the One" hang onto it man, it sucks on the other side of the fence.

and enough depressing shit. This book was supposed to be satire and it got me thinking in a whole other perspective.

I'll pass judgment if that's a good or bad thing after I sleep on it.

It probably doesn't help I read shit like this when I'm exhausted from work. My mind is tired and I just feed it more information when it's already leaking like a sieve.

Sleep is probably a very good thing round about now.

I should probably date women, try my hand on the other side of the fence, but I'd probably find someone as neurotic as me and we'd end up blowing up the world in some Dr. Evilesque plot to destroy all the men that ever wronged us or worse, were finished before we got the big O.

Barry, Craig you'd better run! That is not a word in their vocabularies. I don't think they even know women CAN have orgasms. I certainly never had one with either of them.

Whoa, too much info.



I'll really shut up now.

Sleep, sleep is good. I'll probably read this whole entry in the morning and die of Utter mortification.

I always was a gush first, eat foot later type personality.

and oh DEAR!

When your death comes, you will be
Mauled by a mob of midgets!

I will mauled by a mob of midgets.

How will you die? Take the Exotic Cause of Death Test

It will be a lesson to all not to pick on someone smaller.
Oh the shame of it!

What a fitting end!

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