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Birthday Woes

I'm really having a hard time this year...


Saturday will be the first anniversary of my 39th Birthday...


Yeah... it's *THAT* birthday...


the one when you're 13 and you go OMG THAT'S LIKE TOTALLY OLD!


Mentally I'm still the same fun loving person I was at 18


Physically I'm TWICE my age with the myriad of disabilities I unfortunately have to deal with. (Hey but I am still HERE for this birthday which is saying a lot! There have been many days I and my family never thought I'd ever make it to this milestone.)


But it's still a bit of a downer. One of the things I really wanted to be by now (Above everything else) was to be a Mom. Not going to happen unless I adopt and that I don;t foresee happening either. so it's a bit (a lot) depressing. Most of the people my age have kids in High School and college and I never got started. (My body just could never handle it, I am as they used to call Barren.)


Saturday is kinda like rubbing my face in it (at least it feels that way.)


So I'm a bit depressed.


Glad I actually lived to see this day, but sad that this day came and I'm still not what I want to be most... a mom.


It's hard to describe the myriad of emotions I fight when I read headlines like Teenager dumps fetus in dumpster.... OCTO MOM now has 15 kids and is on welfare! When ONE... just ONE is what I crave. What I wouldn't GIVE to have that baby the teenager doesn't want.


I'd like to think I would have been an awesome Mom.
I am the Coolest Aunt however. I do thankfully have a lot of cousins who have lots of children and I adore every ONE of my "nieces and nephews" (Technically 2nd cousins, but my Cousins WERE my siblings growing up. I have such a wonderful close family).


This is a strange depressing post, I know I don't usually post a lot of my personal life so to speak. I'm usually not a depressing person, I blame the birthday looming on Saturday.


(And all my medications right now which are making me sort of drunk and high at the moment. I don't sleep well, I'm exhausted and am on some pretty spectacularly heavy duty drugs. Which does not help fighting the "OMFG I'm gonna be freaking 40 in two days" Blues.


I need copious amounts of SUFIN Sap I think to counteract the Blues.


So if you're inclined to give birthday wishes... I wish for SUFIN SAP in large doses.

Comments

( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
sharona1x2
Aug. 25th, 2011 11:12 am (UTC)
I empathize with you. I'm in the same boat, although I never really expected to get married or have kids. I know what it's like to wonder 'why not me?' when seeing how easy it is for some other people to have children.

I hope your birthday will be nice for you, in spite of everything.

*hugs*
cindyg
Aug. 25th, 2011 03:01 pm (UTC)
I can relate. Would have loved to have had a kid or two, but somehow it didn't work out. Though with the familial and financial issues I'm going through, today, I'm ok with not having kids around for the dramatic bits. No one should have to be part of that.

Best of blessings on the birthday. Hope the bad weather stays away from you. *hugs*
ashkitty
Aug. 25th, 2011 03:58 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry, sweetie. Things turn out funny sometimes. But (since I won't be around Saturday) happy birthday, all the same. It's just a number. A slightly scary and intimidating number, but still. <333
twillery
Aug. 25th, 2011 09:15 pm (UTC)
Happy Birthday in advance; it's an odd year, That One, despite being an even number? *bearhug* You are the best You in the world! Your nieces and nephews are lucky duckies indeed! <3
sel_barton
Aug. 25th, 2011 09:22 pm (UTC)
I go with "there is only one alternative to getting older." So, it's just a number and not worth getting all worried/depressed/what have you over.

And as for sappy stuff:
http://youtu.be/9H-pDWQBShM

You may have already seen it, but it's a pretty SuFin slideshow to a Swedish song. ^_^
fablespinner
Aug. 25th, 2011 10:11 pm (UTC)
I've seen that one it's in my faves. :)
wheezambu
Aug. 26th, 2011 12:41 am (UTC)
*squish* 40 ain't bad, I'd say I'm a gazillon times happier and more laid back than I was before 40.
windsorblue
Aug. 26th, 2011 06:31 am (UTC)
Forty's not so bad - it's a lot more intimidating from the before side than the after. :) Happy birthday! You're a lot better off today than you were ten years ago!
fablespinner
Aug. 26th, 2011 10:17 pm (UTC)
That is true!
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )

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